I lost my identity when the boys were diagnosed. I was no longer Sarah. I was ‘Mum’. It’s a lovely thing to be, a Mum. I had wanted to be one for so long. But my boys didn’t call me Mummy. They couldn’t, they were non verbal.
To those in the local authority, the system that holds us in the palm of their hand, with the power to blow us away like a dandelion clock, I became ‘Mum’. Occasionally Mrs Ziegel. Rarely Sarah.
At nursery school and then at mainstream primary, I became the ‘Special Needs Mum’. The one people don’t know how to approach, the one whose children are not invited for a playdate or a sleepover, the Mum who finds it so hard to make friends with the other Mums in the playground.
It was just how it was. Whether intentional or not, I was hardly ever Sarah except to a few close friends. I had no identity beyond being a Mum for many years.
I had no time to earn money of my own, to work in any capacity. I admire those mothers who are able to keep working after their child’s autism diagnosis. It must be hard to juggle work and the special needs world. But, I was also envious, I couldn’t put on another hat and be Sarah, the work colleague for a few hours. I was ‘Mum’ 24/7.
Four autistic children later, I almost had an unpaid job, that of counsellor to all the people who desperately needed advice and wanted to talk to me and email me about autism. My free time was sporadic and very limited. It was a better use of my time to write and hopefully reach more people. As a child, I had wanted to be a writer and although it was not a conscious intention at the time when I started writing my first book, I ended up being one.
Now, I can call myself an author, I remind myself, an award winning author on the days when imposter syndrome gets me down.
It’s not enough though. Writing is mostly a solitary activity, hidden behind a keyboard. I need to get out and immerse myself in life outside my four walls, lovely as my home and my family are.
I accept that Jonathan and I will not go off on spontaneous or planned weekends away and trips to countries we have always wanted to visit but I still struggle with us having had a single night away in a year together. On a positive, we are able to go to new places with the boys now and holiday with them in a way we never imagined we would do. The world is slowly opening up for us all.
What should I post on my mood board (my metaphorical one) to open up some new avenues? Ones that are firmly labelled Sarah and not Mum?
Sarah Ziegel - Author 