I keep trying to tell my body ‘don’t crash. Not yet’.
My body is saying ‘Slow down. I need a break’. My mind is also saying ‘Stop now. Stop everything. I want to get off. I need a break’.
I am not unique. I know we have all pushed ourselves to our limits and in some cases, beyond over the last six months. I know I am so much luckier than some who have not had any sort of respite but I am tired. So tired.
My page is public. My boys can read facts, if not fiction. They can read this and understand bits of it so I can’t always write about what happens behind our closed doors. I am as honest as I can be within those restraints. There is always that which is left unsaid.
As we all know, life on Facebook is not real life. I have just posted photos from our recent week’s holiday in the Isle of Wight. Lovely comments from friends saying ‘fab holiday’ ‘looks like you had a great time’. Beyond the photos of multiple activities and smiling faces are parents who spent a week checking the weather before pre booking visits as nothing can be done spontaneously any more, parents who shopped, cleaned and cooked as they have done for the past six months, parents who tried to make the holiday as much fun as they could bearing in mind the boys had their two week activity holiday cancelled.
After return from any family holiday (except our two week all inclusive one) I always crash badly. Physically crash that is. This holiday I crashed as we arrived. My body telling me ‘you are on holiday, you can rest and relax’ but it didn’t know that it was not really my holiday, it was our family’s holiday and I could not rest. I felt sick all week. Low grade travel sick is the only way I can describe it. Sometimes a feeling that I might burst into tears for no reason. I kept going. I always keep going. There is no one else to do it for me.
I am hanging on . I am ignoring my body. The boys start back at college in another week but won’t be in every day. We are still waiting confirmation of their timetables so I don’t know yet which days they will be in or at home. I am praying that there are a few days when all four will be out of the house so I can get on with so many unfinished projects.
I don’t want to crash when they go back. I want to use that time. I don’t want to be forced into bed. I need ‘me’ time as well as admin time. I need to gird my loins ready for a month later when I will have to start looking into colleges and courses for all three older boys for next September.
I may have to concede a week off first.