I took my three kittens to the vets on Thursday to be neutered. They are nearly six months old and were starting to get frisky! Hard to imagine my hand reared babies now ready to procreate already. My one and only attempt at breeding kittens was more than enough but I did get to keep three kittens for my pain. It led me to thoughts of fertility and of course made me think about my boys.
I don’t care anymore about the likelihood of never being a Grandma.
Fertility is a difficult concept for me to think about. On two levels. I suffered from recurrent miscarriages and lost so many precious babies trying to have my own children. My boys were very much wanted. Having four was no ‘oops, mistake’ like some people thought and voiced hurtfully to me. My fourth son must have been unplanned as I already had three boys with severe autism? Why would I risk a fourth? And then there was the six year gap too. In fact, he was so longed for that it took me six long years and five more miscarriages before he was born.
Fertility is precious. I know what it is like to really want a child but be unable to have one. Just taking the cats on Thursday to the vets made my heart bleed a little for the kittens that could have been.
On the other level, I think about my boys and the likelihood that they will never have children of their own. I don’t mind at all about not being a Grandma. My youngest son was born to me miraculously at an age when many women are becoming Grandmothers, not mothers. My nest is full.
Do my boys mind though? Do they think about having children of their own? Benjamin has always wanted to get married and have children. Currently, he has yet to even find his first girlfriend. Does he still want children? And if he does, how hard would that be? For him? For those children?
Thomas would be a fantastic father. He loves children and is so good with them but he cannot yet look after himself independently. I think he knows that having children of his own would be too difficult for him to cope with.
For my boys, perhaps choosing not to have children will be a hard decision. One that we will be there to support them through hopefully.
Another loss for them that they are aware of.
I think that is what I find so hard for my boys. Their awareness of life around them means they know that people have relationships, have children. There are some things we as parents cannot make happen for them and have to accept as part of their lives with severe autism.
I feel their potential loss though.